as i tie my shoes

I'm tying my shoes...
I feel like I am about to run this big race, but i haven't practiced, I haven't conditioned.
I'm tying my shoes this week. I start back to work on Monday.
This is harder than last time. or is it that i just can't remember. all the questions i ask. can i do it? can i do everything that i need to? will there be enough time for everything? both kiddos still get up all night. will i ever sleep? it's not like i sleep during the day now. it will be ok.
of course. of course i can do it. i know i can. deep down i do. of course i know i will have times that i think i can't. but i have to do it. for my husband. for my kids.
maybe there will be something i find out. maybe i will have more energy, the thought is ironic, but it could be. being at home is not easy. it takes a lot. but i have loved it. really loved it.
i found out i didn't shop too much or get bored. ever. there is no time for that. i found out that liza LOVES school and really needs it in her day. she is happier when she has that.
but now. but now i will have another group that is relying on me. another group i can't let down. i can do it. i know i can.
i have found myself looking at the clock every time i get a kiss or a smile or something funny happens. what time is it. would i be here next week. would i miss it.
oh, but then i go back and think. how thankful i am that i have had this. i have had no worry about a job. i have had the best of both worlds. i have been there for these two. how can i complain. i do remember when i was working i wanted to make every second count with liza. i did not take it for granted. i remember the other things too. stressing about anything we had in the evenings, on the weekends. it was a lot. too much sometimes. i couldn't get it all in. but we needed that too. we need our friends. we need to still date.
i really don't worry about these kiddos. they will be fine. mccoy will make someone's day with one smile after another. liza will excel in all the projects each day will bring and make new friendships, make people laugh. but with me here. she seems not to worry as much. she knows where i am. she repeats what i say. she talks like me. oh she will be fine. i will still be here. we'll be ok.
so wish me luck. as a tie my shoes. i just need to remember to breath.
i can do this.