I have thought a lot about my going back to work and my time at home with the kiddos
it is in the mornings that I think the most with a clear
head. I love mornings. I love slow coffee sipping mornings. I think I walk
around smiling on these mornings. everyone is so fresh and happy and excited
for the day. the possibilities are always endless. even the laundry seems fun.
even if the load that I see when I peak inside was washed 3 days ago and stinks
of mildew...it is a new day and I wash it again because I know I have the whole
day ahead to get it dry and fresh again and take make it right again.
I am more aware of my morning this morning after going back
to work for three days this week. I missed my mornings.
I wonder...is that what I have had ...12 weeks worth of
mornings . happy mornings. and I give thanks for this.
I am always sick with dread going off maternity leave. this
one was shorter than my other two but I quickly remind myself that I was given
so much more time than so many mommas out there that yearn for 12 weeks with
their teeny newborns. also I am SO grateful that I was able to come back part
time till the end of august. I feel like it was a gift and I will accept it with
a grateful heart.
I always reflect on this time and realize I learned
something I didn't already know each time I have had these babies I have
learned something different...and I have been a different person each time.
with liza it was this new mom stage and I didn't know if everything was going
to be ok..each stage was new and how could she do it without me? or how could I
do it without her...or how do I even do it? we were both trying to figure
everything out... I didn't know if I could do the whole working mom thing..i
needed to find my balance. I did.
with McCoy I knew everything was going to be ok when I went
back to work..it was just learning how to juggle it all happily. I got great
time with him for maternity leave and was grateful for it.
with edie I have been so aware of each moment and I think it
allowed me to SLOW down. to slow down. i'm not good at moving slow but it has
been so wonderful. In the first month while both kids were at school I would
sit and hold her and stare at her and not care about anything else in the
world. she would sleep and I would hold her in my arms. and she would curl into
me. and I would rub my fingers over her forehead. I knew I was given a very
special gift and I was determined to soak it into my soul.
it seems a bit ironic that when adding another child you would think things speed up...get more chaotic.. and that is true to a certain extent but to me things just all slowed down. good slow. every 3 hours I sit in my room (ok or my car, or the women's locker room at the pool) by myself (sometimes, when the kids are glued to spongebob) and feed this baby in my arms. when we went to the beach I loved being with her while she napped or didn't care if we were all missing beach time because it seemed hard to take everything down there, we were able to enjoy each moment(besides when the kids would get in fist fights on the lawn at seaside) at the pool or wherever seemed easy at the moment. of course there are times where I need more arms, legs and brains to do this but it is easier this time.
but was I living in a fantasy world? I felt at times
like I got to be this "babysitter mom" that I knew my time was limited
so I could have the mindset of this isn't going to last forever I need these
moments to count. I got to do all the fun stuff that babysitters get to
do...junior golf, movies, swimming, ice cream, crafts ect ect ect.... but as
their mom. I knew my pay check was going to come back so that was not a
worry...but without my salary, if I stayed at home forever, money
would obviously be something that would change ...would I stress about
it....would their
activities change? would Jason be too overwhelmed with that responsibility on
his shoulders? would he go find a girlfriend that was not putting this stress
on him and was nicer and maybe even she found it cute when he drank too much
vodka??? haha okokokok....that one might have taken it too far
hahahaha..but is this one way I can show him my love and support by saving
him from those feelings? hell, could we afford to buy real tide instead of
the generic?? :) we all know that generic stuff doesn't get that mildew smell
out of our clothes!! ;)
all things to think about..all fears of the unknown. I
was surprised with how much energy I had staying at home. when I work, by
Friday night I am so drained that I can barely say a word before my head hits
the pillow. I yearned for time with my babies so getting babysitters on the
weekends was something that I just didn't want to do allll the time. but
staying at home Jason and I went on more dates, (almost weekly or every other
week!) babysitters were fun for everyone! also...everyone knows i'm not a
pro at cleaning...but staying at home I actually had more time for that and a
better handle on keeping my house a little more together...(don't picture
cleaning toilets or anything but I could at least keep the counters cleared).
I don't know why I always think I will just stop being
a mom when I go back to work and why I mourn it so much. i'm still the same
mom! I think maybe its just that I know I use every ounce of myself each and
everyday when I am working. just from keeping everyone organized and
coordinating schedules to getting out the door and reports in
and traveling and trying to talk to people all day about changing their
habits because in the end my job depends on it, expense reports and help desks
with computer problems, are my numbers up are my numbers down what could I do
better, could I have done more? there is absolutely nothing left over by
the time I go to bed...I have used it all!
I alwys hear of people talking about mom guilt or working
mom guilt and it has always puzzled me. I can honestly say I have never
felt guilty for working. I feel like guilt is something you feel
when you do something you want to do when you know you shouldn't...like hiding
my kids candy and then eating it after they go to bed...
but guilt for working? nope! I have always felt like my kids
were MORE than ok without me every second of the day...but was I ok without
them???? I always felt like I was the one missing out not so much them..i am guilty of faving FOMO (fear of missing out) but I don't ever like to miss out on anything working or not ...why would u? do it all!!!! have fun! :) .I have
never had a child that didn't love going to school or getting out and about or
getting a change of scenery. they loved it, they craved it. they are not just stuck in daycare till 6pm every
night. they have fun and love their schools teachers and friends. I will say that this summer was the first time I felt like maybe my
kids needed their momma a little more than I thought they did. I think after
having edie it was really important for them to have me all to themselves for a few months.
especially liza. I can just tell they are a little more relaxed and they are
happy! :) but they aren't home all day..we are out and about and constantly
moving. I have noticed that sometimes stay at home moms leave when their kids
go to their activities so they can have their time and I have always loved
to stay and watch, but if I stayed at home would I leave in need of a break? of course. things would change.
there are good days and bad days no matter if you work outside the home or inside..days you dream of being on that other side and what it would be like.
am I more patient with my kids when I work? maybe I could
find a job that I just work doing the school year? MAYBE I just need to quit
thinking about all this because someone would take my job in a heart
beat...there are people standing in line for it. and maybe I am a head case for
constantly running all these thoughts through my head? haha. CONFIRMED
but for now....I am feeling grateful for my special time
with my babies, I am feeling incredibly grateful that I am getting to go back
part time till the end of august and Im gonna eat up every second of this life
we have, that is for sure! :)
***********DISCLAIMER****** IF anyone is reading this that works with me or wants my job--I am not quitting and hopefully not getting fired hahaha. they've got me by the toe---I need that pesky insurance!!!!! :) I have never hated my job and I really love so many things about it...just being honest about my momma emotions going back to work ;) that's all...no reason to get excited about anything.
Life is hard. When you push through--in spite of the
barriers, you are a powerful role model to your kids. Nothing important or
valuable comes easy to any of us. As your kids watch you work through the ups
and downs of life, they are learning invaluable lessons--many of life's most
powerful ones. Hard work does pay of...f. In the process, you develop
determination, perseverance, and work ethic. These skills will be used over and
over again as your kids weave their way through life. You are your child's most
influential role model. Push through today. Onward and Upward. You can
absolutely do it!
meanwhile last week coco came to town to save the day and take the stress of childcare for the week off my plate. I needed that and it helped so much. the best gift that can be given for sure.
they did so much, she shuttled to dance and tennis and ice
cream and the bead store and the library and a movie and back to dance and school and sonic and to
the condo and home and had them spend the night and got them to bed and up
again for breakfast and out the door. thank you mom. I can only hope I can do that for my own children some day! it means the world!
0 comments:
Post a Comment